In the end, near every bend

Love is what the people defend

But if it can bend, why pretend

To spend and mend, even befriend

The friendly blend, the single trend

The vend that whores all recommend

Or leave those denned souls to descend

Blend their thoughts so they soon offend

II

The thing you lend, the thing you seek

The weak you speak and sometimes shriek

A meek sentence that leeks and reeks

Of perceptions so bleak they creak

III

Curiosity’s monstrosity

An atrocity of ferocity

Animosity to generosity

Your mind’s in a state of viscosity

IV

Your confidence’s cognizance

Needs a better reconnaissance

Because providence to opulence

Is consonance to moral somnolence

I wrote this poem originally thinking that society places too much importance on the concept of “finding someone”. Confidence plays such a large role in this it’s kind of a deciding point. The poem’s incredibly odd structure and similar sounds are all an attempt to both entertain and confuse the reader. You will read it and think “wait, does all this actually make sense?” And upon discovery you’ll actually think enough to appreciate the message. It verbally sounds pleasant and strikingly clever, so if you recite it you won’t only spread a message but you’ll also sound cool if you do it. Not everyone will appreciate this though, I know that much.

It’s also scary, since I literally remember celebrating the dawn of 2011 at Harriet’s house, merrily cheering as the fireworks lit up the screen, as well as my spirit (I’m a writer, I apologise for the cheesiness). I remember my thoughts back then, they were mostly “this is it. This is the year that will define my life. I will either get to university, or fail at everything forever.” I also had the thoughts of “this year I’m getting level 99 fishing on Runescape for sure!” and “prom will be on this year, I’m sure it will be amazing!”

My priorities back then were nothing short of wonderful. I would love to meet my past self and just let him dwell in his innocence. Last year, I was looking forward to Runescape achievements, my eighteenth birthday and finishing Intensity. This year, I’m looking forward to the many new opportunities university will offer me, living with friends in our own little house, and finishing Intensity.

What were you like last year? Were you the same as now? I’m conflicted as to whether being the same as I was a year ago in terms of expectations and beliefs is a good thing or a bad thing- I mean, it means you’ve got a strong personality if you don’t change, but you could interpret it as lacking development. But then again, it’s like taking two people to a modern art gallery- they’re going to think completely different things, both of which might be correct.

Either way, I don’t have any regrets about 2011: it has easily been the best year of my life so far. Sure, 2008 had its perks with me creating the largest Jcink Nintendo forum in the world and travelling to Normandy, 2009 may have had the development of Intensity and an amazing prom, and 2010 might have had the spirit speech and Muse, but 2011 gave something special- no single good moment which stood out from the rest.

University, the Aber squad, the Mario Kart Wii tournament, the debating society, getting Intensity back on track, camping at Helen’s back garden, the 18th birthday, results day, going to London, getting in touch with Pokemon again, level 99 fishing, heckling Jimmy Carr, seeing a shooting star, NaNoWriMo, film nights, visiting many destinations in England and Wales and finishing silly projects such as the yearbook were only some of the highlights of 2011. To have such a year has really been an honour, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make a post on “smazzing.com” with such an optimistic outlook against the year.

But then again, we have 2012 approaching, an enigmatic year of gargantuan proportions. Whereas in 2011 I had a sure list of things to look forward to, in 2012 there is no list. No transition period, just pure, raw uncertainty. The only thing I’m sure of is that I’ll perhaps live with Eli, Jordan, Lottie, Charlotte and Tricia from September onwards- everything between then is a white mist.

This is a good thing though- it simply means that I have complete and utter control over what happens to me in 2012! Well, besides going against quantum mechanics and the occasional neurotic episode, I have the entire year to do my bidding, with plans and projects exploding everywhere like a field of landmines plagued by hailstones.

But what could I do? What could you do to make 2012 a better year than 2011?

Think, just for a few minutes.

Because thinking is wonderful when it concerns the uncertain future.

Finishing Intensity in 2012 won’t cut it for me. I’ve got to enjoy writing Intensity next year if I’m to want to finish it. A heart and a half is what it takes to make a novel blossom. It shouldn’t be motivated by cash, or by anything else, but simply writing the thing has to give satisfaction.

Similarly with any speeches I do next year- I shouldn’t do them for the sake of doing them. I genuinely need a message I want to communicate in order to get things rolling. I was lucky with the spirit speech- people were interested in merely hearing me talk- I don’t hear people come up to me today and say “hey Dean, that really changed me.” Instead they go “Dean, that was hilarious.” or “that was epic.” Next year, I’ll focus on not teaching an audience, but instead making them think. 

Of course, I’ll make them think while at the same time making them laugh. This is a thought I’ll keep along 2012- I’ll try and be ambitious but at the same time light-hearted. Take something seriously, but don’t treat it like a business.

My only new year’s resolution is to kick ass in all its forms. Armed with a top hat, an overcoat, a pacman 2012 diary, Stalin mints and a whole plethora of ideas, I should be fine.

2. Inception is still the greatest movie ever made.

3. Edgar Allen Poe is a depressing soul.

4. RPG Maker VX is the greatest way to pass time in the universe.

5. You can live on less than six hours sleep.

6. It is possible to jump three grades up in an English exam.

7. I can write stories far too quickly for my liking.

8. Irish people love potatoes.

9. The Nightmare Before Christmas is a wonderful film.

10. Making a yearbook is gruelling, hard work which doesn’t really pay off too well.

11. The suit is capable of stopping rain, attracting alcohol and reducing the level of social awkwardness in the world.

12. Worcester is pronounced “Wu-stah”.

13. I have the ability to make myself edge on crying as I write.

14. Aberystwyth has the most epic sky in the world.

15. James Brown would rather streak than jizz on my face (thank God!)

16. My pee is capable.

17. The dark horse likes to get absolutely hammered.

18. Bob is a badass character in Tekken 6.

19. As is Law. Law is also amazing.

20. My skills in Mario Kart Wii are unparalleled in Aberystwyth.

21. Norwegians are obsessed with elks and moose.

22. My college friends and I have an obsession with Nicolas Cage’s chocolate cake.

23. Someone I know likes to have a gander at Nick’s Griffin.

24. 24 is an odd number which will more than likely follow me to the ends of the world.

25. Norway is in Europe.

26. Tents are a wonderful means of bonding.

27. Lord of The Rings after three hours of sleep is not a good thing.

28. You do not mess with Kenshiro.

29. Being bald is not a dangerous thing.

30. Life is like a box of chocolates.

31. Monopoly is the most addictive group activity in the world. Even more so than sex.

32. The Squad of Epic is indeed a squad of epic.

33. I cannot climb hills. Nor am I any good at going down them.

34. Blackpool has a good club somewhere.

35. The police who turned up at the drunking bench in St Annes were not going to arrest anyone.

36. Every action has an equal reaction (thank you, V).

37. There are too many drawings that depict David Cameron as a condom.

38. Nat is the best cake-maker in the world.

39. The Samsung Galaxy S2 is a phone that Zeus would use if he walked on this earth, which he uses to communicate with other legends who also use the very same kind of phone.

40. Just because your last name is “Onions” doesn’t mean you actually like onions.

41. Dreams are beautiful things.

42. My bed at home is approximately 35 times better than my bed in Aberystwyth.

43. Bunk rooms are not as scary as one thinks.

44. You will never sleep on the night before results day.

45. Yougo is an amazing website for socialising.

46. I can debate pretty well.

47. I am not good at reviving Nintendo forums. Lavama, Sonic, 1mpulse and Starforce agree.

48. Burgers are wonderful and should be appreciated by all corners of the earth.

49. It is possible for someone to read Intensity as if it were a movie (thank you Brad <3 ).

50. I am the king of Minitroopers.

51. Travelling to Wales is not easy. It is tough and incredibly tedious.

52. 18th birthdays are awesome.

53. While drunk I am capable of putting people in A & E

54. Bondage tape has multiple uses.

55. I can cook, but only simple things like the kettle.

56. Pokemon puns are numerous in the world.

57. No one messes with the Kingpin. Ellie and Nat know this for a fact.

58. I am a financial conservative.

59. Toilet rolls are a resource, not a convenience.

60. Two Steps From Hell are an amazing music group who should be worshipped.

61. Passports are expensive to replace.

62. I use too many tissues.

63. It is too easy to apply “Poe” to everything.

64. Everything Eggman says is an innuendo.

65. Emotions are conceptual according to buddhism.

66. You should bring your toy back to the carpet.

67. Fifteens is an amazing pub.

68. Arcades are called arcades because they’re actually based off the word “arcadia”, meaning they are what they are: paradise.

69. There are too many 69 jokes in the world.

70. If you attempt to get three stars on every cup in Mario Kart Wii, you will think you’re suffering from depression by the end of it.

71. It is impossible for a man to say “boobies” without laughing like a silly nilly.

72. I am a God at writing Haikus.

73. Sogndal is not a greeting, way of saying thank you or a compliment- it is a place.

74. I can drink Fosters far too quickly.

75. Obama stole the Mattface.

76. I get too depressed after walking in the rain.

77. Harry Potter is a wonderful franchise with a terrible ending.

78. It is possible to mistake a novel by Dean Koontz as the Qu’ran.

79. Poking wars on Facebook take forever to end.

80. Grant and Kieran have too many points on their xbox 360 gamertags.

81. I have too many badges on Kongregate.

82. Tea is a wonderful method of countering tiredness. However, it is volatile and will disrupt sleeping patterns viciously.

83. May is always a stressful month for a student.

84. My pee smells of asparagus.

85. Headphone discos are amazing. They should have more public attention.

86. I can actually get an “A” in an exam after one hour of revision.

87. Charlotte is too good at drawing everything.

88. “Banter” is just a socially acceptable form of being a knobhead.

89. My bladder gives way easily.

90. I drink too much water/pepsi max/tea/milk/beer.

91. My Arnold Schwarzenegger accent is either horrible or perfect.

92. Scrubs is an amazing television series.

93. The first Terminator film stops you from perceiving time.

94. I get too satisfied when I drink from my Batman mug.

95. House deposits aren’t always pretty.

96. Photoshop Elements is too helpful an editing program.

97. Books are the best things ever to take with you onto trains.

98. Fresher’s week is amazing.

99. I have purchased too many Mini Fillets in KFC during the few months of Aberystwyth.

100. Aberystwyth has the most interchangeable name ever. Abercockswyth, Abershitswyth, Aberjizzwyth, Aberysnyth, Aber, Aberwythwith…

101. Metal music is actually slightly motivational. Especially songs which have amazingly fast and heavy guitar solos.

102. Things quickly add up. This includes past time, the amount of Pringles consumed and also things you spend cash on.

103. Unrequited love occurs with many people.

104. Foo Fighters are an amazingly motivational band.

105. Buying underwear can be awkward sometime.

106. Forming a society in Aberystwyth actually isn’t too hard if you think about it.

107. Unfortunately, there are students in Aberystwyth who care more about drinking and getting laid than passing their course.

108. The cartoon mode on my phone is amazing.

109. Stratosphere has a beautiful introduction.

110. I’m solid at psychoanalysing others.

111. It’s easy for a lucid dream to fall into a nightmare.

112. It is much easier for there to be drama in university than in college.

113. Pubs are warm and comfortable places in the world.

114. I should feel guilty for looking at the Digimon wiki at this age. And the same goes for all the other gaming wikis.

115. The cinema in Blackpool is the best cinema ever- the Aberystwyth cinemas do not compare.

116. Ghibli is much better than Disney.

117. Public speaking is still a possibility in Aberystwyth.

118. I want that chocolate cake.

119. The “Dean Tsang is the big cheese” mug is beautiful.

120. I procrastinate far too much.

121. Cooking is more tedious than I thought it would be.

122. Perhaps choosing the grass type starter for a Pokemon game was a mistake.

123. I notice coincidences far too easily.

124. It is possible to talk on Skype for over 12 hours.

125. London is an amazing place to be.

126. I shouldn’t send Creative Writing competition entries to ecology lecturers.

127. There needs to be a Fighting Mania arcade in every arcade in Britain.

128. Britain is not the same as England.

129. I am capable writing 10,000 words in one day.

130. Hanging posters in your room can have its disadvantages- especially if they fall over while you sleep.

131. Le ouis is not a valid French sentence.

132. Sometimes sitting on grass for six hours is the best way to pass the time.

133. Chess tournaments are incredibly difficult to organise properly in your high school.

134. I am a badman at chess.

135. If I can run 1 mile I can run 500.

136. Epiphanies occur in the most odd of places.

137. My college friends will never fully get along with my Aber friends.

138. It is possible to put Intensity into a real-life context!

139. I have incredible resolve.

140. Editing RPG Maker until 4am is not a healthy thing to do.

141. Shaving is much more awkward in Aberystwyth than at home.

142. Superman boxers are an amazing christmas gift.

143. I am a genius at thinking of gifts for people.

144. There is a line between arrogance and confidence.

145. My librarian back in school has a decibel measurer.

146. 11/11/2011 will not occur for another 1000 years. I managed to screenshot 11:11 on my phone on that day.

147. You can run from your demons until you are exhausted, but one day you will have to question what they wanted.

148. Odysseus went through a lot to travel back home.

149. I have the best Mario costume in both Aberystwyth and Lancashire.

150. Seeing pages crease makes me too uneasy.

151. I can recite the first 151 Pokemon purely by memory.

152. I cannot rap.

153. People in the world get too excited for E3 conferences. And rightly so.

154. I am far too paranoid about everything.

155. If it bleeds, we can kill it.

156. Techno music on a train works far too well.

157. All my friends have a large range of different personalities which I love.

158. The best ice breaker to ask a university student is “where are you from” and “what are you studying”.

159. Board games are gifts from God.

160. Updating your diary/journal can be difficult sometimes, especially if you leave a few days out (then you have to remember everything, which is just awkward).

161. Physics is a good way to impress ladies when you apply them to pool.

162. I am far too good at arcade shooting games.

163. Men in Black is still loved by many.

164. I really need to watch the “Back to The Future” trilogy.

165. My voice is far too bassy.

166. Argos is not just a catalogue.

167. I have far too much spare time.

168. Seeing blood when you brush your teeth is a rather scary image.

169. Snape’s wand is a beautiful thing.

170. Tube trains are far too efficient.

171. God of War 3 is an amazing game.

172. Bread can work without butter. Just add barbecue sauce instead.

173. Norwegians are too good at finding one another.

174. I am useless at thumb wars.

175. People need to stop getting “The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword” too early and being overly epic as they play it.

176. It is possible to compare unrequited love to a flask and a glass of water.

177. Busking is a pretty popular hobby in Aberystwyth.

178. Reaching level 99 fishing on Runescape without botting makes you a God.

179. Walking home at 3am can be oddly satisfying.

180. Christmas parties are amazing.

181. It is very depressing to have to survive a week alone on beans and pasta.

182. Austrian Death Machine is the best band to listen to when you wish to take your mind off women.

183. Severus Snape gets all the ladies.

184. Just because you went to see a Transformers movie on your own does NOT MAKE YOU A SAD MAN.

185. Welsh milk tastes no different from English milk.

186. The Scottish alphabet does not compose of “aye” 26 times.

187. “Yagami” is an anagram for “I am gay.”

188. Iceland has amazing value for money. Especially when it comes to Pringles.

189. There is a small chance that when you get a lift from two Welsh residents, you will be given a christian magazine.

190. I would bloody love to live in Scatman’s world.

191. Youtube can convince you that you have a mild form of ADD.

192. Anisakiasis sounds like a pretty cool name to say, but it isn’t a nice thing if you knew what it actually was.

193. Mjolnir should be a christmas gift.

194. I am terrible at writing sex scenes.

195. Air hockey is far too addictive and should occupy every arcade in the world.

196. There are not enough bins in Aberystwyth.

197. Walking in Aberystwyth when it’s cloudy without a coat is not a good idea.

198. Blackpool has some shockingly bad clubs.

199. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan can exist in the same film/advertisement. Why has the universe not split into two yet?

200. There are too many amazing posters and shirts in the world.

201. I’m allegedly Jackie Chan.

202. Acapella is surprisingly good.

203. When itæs 4:00am, it is possible to listen to virtually any music on Youtube.

204. Yo Mama videos are far too addictive. And the same goes for HISHE (how it should have ended)

205. There is little worse than realising that you have to cross a puddle in shoes you know have holes.

206. Using “I’ll be back” as the last line in a story about Arnold Schwarzenegger is a great way to make your seminar tutor faceplant the desk.

207. I’m offended. Although whether I should die in a fire is debatable.

208. It’s always awkward eating a McDonalds on your own, although a KFC on your own isn’t as bad. Perhaps it’s because of childhood associations with McDonalds and companionship…

209. After cooking fish and chips for the first time while panicking about my essay, I realise just how true #121 is.

210. The year would have been a lot better if Dragonforce had released their album this year.

211. Naps are far too effective in removing fatigue.

212. Dean Koontz is still my nemesis.

213. If I could choose any superpower, it would be vector manipulation.

214. I’m going to get too passionate with calendars next year.

215. Halloween is the worst time to lose your keys ever.

216. Some lecturers at Aberyswyth are too cool.

217. I should have perhaps spent more time at the St Annes library rather than looking at “Gotenks vs Mr Popo” videos.

218. Metro passes are far too efficient.

219. I shouldn’t really be worried about kidney stones, to be honest.

220. Muse cover bands surely have to find it difficult in effectively covering Muse.

221. I should feel guilty for only liking most of the new songs by Muse.

222. I comment on milestone numbers far too much.

223. Smazzing.com can generate as many as 70 views in a single day!

224. I would make an excellent asian Santa Claus.

225. Computers run out of battery far too quickly.

226. My flatmates in Aberystwyth can be silly sometimes.

227. They are also the messiest people on the planet…

228. Yo mama jokes are still popular.

229. Watching Source Code on a train was one of the best decisions I made this year.

230. You can get scammed in Camden Market far too easily.

231. You know you have a good taste in journals when you buy a Pacman limited edition diary.

232. Audiosurf is amazing, and will devour hours of your life with ease.

233. Colds are irritating to get, especially on Christmas day.

234. Colds are also awkward to get in Aberystwyth.

235. Man-sized tissues have multiple purposes.

236. Harrods have the best chess sets in the world.

237. You should try your best not to cast the fallatio spell while in the London tubes.

238. Charlotte lives next to a beautifully scenic mountain which she shouldn’t complain about.

239. Total Recall is still an amazing film.

240. I desire headphones far too much.

241. Life is best when there is variety.

242. Life is most dramatic when there is uncertainty.

243. Life is at its worst when there is inevitability.

244. I have been awake on every hour of the 24 hour clock this year.

245. I spend far too much time on personalised wallpapers.

246. The Squad of Epic have partially failed due to not buying monopoly.

247. I have wanted to play the speed levels in Sonic Unleashed for far too long.

248. Setting up a tent is easier than I thought it would be.

249. Carrots help your vision. Seriously, they do.

250. Orange juice helps cure colds.

251. I was wise to buy Heart Gold/Soul Silver. I don’t play it nearly as enough as I should, though.

252. If you ever feel slightly insane, you should watch Waking Life.

253. Good old Jim would do anything for the buzz.

254. Time passes ridiculously quickly.

255. Personality types, enneagrams, astrological signs and dreams are the four best ways to measure one’s personality.

256. Jordan would make an amazing Tingle.

257. I was lucky to have a year like 2011.

258. I’m ridiculously paranoid.

259. Spiders make you too paranoid if they disappear after a failed killing attempt.

260. NaNoWriMo is my bitch.

261. My sneezes are far too manly for anyone to comprehend.

262. You know it’s a good month if you see a shooting star.

263. My friends are easily capable of putting me in embarrassing situations.

264. My friends have epic friends- the concept reminds me of the meeting of the five Kages in the Naruto comics.

265. When I’m happy or feeling confident I develop some sort of hidden swagger.

266. Epic rap battles of history are too addictive to listen to.

267. Dragonball Z Abridged is the best distraction in the world.

268. I’m a quick learner.

269. I think personalised christmas cards are going to become a yearly tradition for me.

270. I’ve only had two or three lucid dreams in the entire time I’ve been in Aberystwyth.

271. Duck in sauce mixed with seasoning is a gift from God.

272. Jordan can make brilliant chicken.

273. I look bloody good in an overcoat.

274. And the same goes for top-hats.

275. Poker is wonderful.

276. Never drink pepsi or coke after a hangover. It BURNS.

277. I have too many dreams about arcades. And schools.

278. Water is my fuel. Tea is my adrenaline.

279. Bob Dole does speak as Bob Dole would be expected to speak when referring to Bob Dole.

280.  Zilch makes for an amazing game.

281. Mood rings don’t last very long and make carrying things a pain.

282. The biggest plot twist would be waking up to naked Bjorn.

283. Red wine has an evilicious effect on women.

284. Breeding a Pokemon to have a certain nature is torturous.

285. Epic Battle Fantasy is the best game to have ever graced Kongregate.

286. Nicolas Cage Day will be amazing (yes, it’s in 2012, but I learned this a few weeks ago ).

287. Carrot sandwiches are a genius invention (credit to Dean).

288. It’s never a good idea to stick a condom in someone’s freezer.

289. Sitting still with friends in a sunset works in so many levels.

290. I shouldn’t have panicked so much about results day.

291. I should have made a greater effort on the yearbook.

292. I should have perhaps also tried to make every day count.

293. I shouldn’t think about death at this age.

294. Life is wonderfully complicated.

295. There are people who don’t know who Osama Bin Laden is.

296. I have physical limits.

297. Birthdays should be treated with more snazz.

298. Zeedmilleniummon is only matched by Unicron. Both are badass.

299. My phone has a better camera than your phone, unless your phone is the same as mine.

300. I would really like to visit Sparta.

301. Jordan’s television has a bigger screen than Grant’s.

302. I can write some mean lyrics.

303. I get 303 and 304 errors too often.

304. My internet connection at home is relatively depressing.

305. I would be alarmingly good at chess if I just practised.

306. The story of falling over while standing still will never get old.

307. Putting your laptop on your knee is apparently a bad thing to do due to radiation.

308. I am capable of sitting still and waiting for things for a ridiculously long period of time. Like, I’m talking eight hour’s worth.

309. It isn’t easy to become a good artist.

310. I really do need to play Eli in a game of Tennis someday.

311. Mind maps are the answer.

312. Advance Wars will always remain the best strategy game in the world.

313. Potato balls and chicken dinosaurs will always remain a staple piece of cuisine.

314. I read approximately 25 pages an hour (which is apparently slow).

315. Cramming half a year of psychology into a week is not a good idea.

316. I’m not going to stop going on about how awesome my phone is for a long while.

317. Yaoi has managed to invade the minds of 99% of the women in Aberystwyth. Or maybe just Tricia.

318. Anything can be inside itself. Just add “ception” to the end of it.

319. Harry Potter would cry himself to sleep if he saw a Nox.

320. No one gets the Nox references except perhaps myself.

321. I amaze people sometimes.

322. My room is eerily cold at home.

323. Richard Nixon is not a crook, according to Doctor Who.

324. I should consider changing my middle name to “Jung” as a tribute to the psychologist. He’s a beautiful man.

325. I’m better at snooker than I am at pool.

326. I am amazing at budgeting.

327. …Although I’m a bit too optimistic in some areas.

328. Schindler’s List had more of an influence on me than I thought it would.

329. The Time Traveller’s Wife is a beautiful book to get stuck into.

330. The greatest force in the universe is not love, but bravery. For love to blossom, you need bravery. For social change, you need bravery. For wars to end, you need bravery. Bravery may be corruptible, but nowhere near as much as love may be.

331. I prefer casual activities rather than more energetic forms.

332. TheSwain is an amazing animator.

333. The fact that I was born at 3:33 apparently makes me either a Libra rising or a Cancer rising.

334. Scott Pilgrim vs The World gives me a sense of nostalgia for some odd reason.

335. My blue coat makes me look “hench”.

336. The blue jacket with the zip that goes diagonally down makes people go insane.

337. I’m too stingy over borrowing my phone to people when I’m on pay as you go.

338. Lectures at 9:00am are horrible. Not because they’re so early, but because you have to go to sleep so early.

339. The God of War theme DOES contain the lyrics “hold devils pot of tea.”

340. Someone will definitely judge this blog entry negatively.

341. That same person will also claim that they don’t care, but they will do (especially if they’re making a judgement).

342. I’m horrible at Pacman.

343. Ellie is capable of dying her hair into every possible colour in the planet.

344. Liya has the best house for film festivals and barbecues.

345. I love sunsets a bit too much.

346. Checker’s is a boy’s game. Chess is a man’s game.

347. Finding accommodation at university is more distressing than it should be.

348. Skinny dipping is, if anything, interesting.

349. “Going for chips” is apparently an innuendo.

350. I am obsessed with probability and things that COULD happen.

351. Every bald guy reminds me of Jordan. I don’t think that’s healthy.

352. Lord of The Rings would look very different if armies fought with each other using dodgems.

353. Wind is my element.

354. Some songs on Youtube can be replayed for hours on end without you growing weary of them.

355. Never sneeze into the air. You’ll regret it much later.

356. At this rate, I’m going to be using lip balm for the rest of my life…

357. Atheists are just as evil as religious people, if not worse.

358. You can write a story about a sausage in a fridge and make the reader feel involved.

359. More people should play Team Fortress 2.

360. Plates won’t wash themselves.

361. Showers are awkward to use in Aberystwyth sometimes.

362. Debating in the debating society makes me more nervous than it should do… Debatably.

363. I should have seriously bought a PS3 this year (I would have done if I had the money).

364. Kieran is the king of hosting film nights.

365. The fact that I actually managed to list 365 things that I learned in 2011 is simply frightening. My levels of productivity scare me sometimes.

I guess the lyrics have summarised how this month has gone, although I’m unsure if it’s the perfect title. I can’t think of anything better, so we’ll have to do with a 85% relevant title. November has been quite a tough month, but at the same time it’s been pretty rewarding. I didn’t know when I was going to update this blog, but when my good friend NG (yes, my friends all have nicknames) text me asking if I had updated the blog, I felt inclined to inform you all of the intricacies of life at the minute.

So, where do I begin?

Well, first thing’s first: we finally found a house for next year! Located near town, the house has six bedrooms, all with rather large beds. I’ve been mentioning quite a bit on how I miss my old bed at home (double bed which was so comfortable I’m confused as to how I had trouble falling asleep back then) so actually sleeping on a better bed than the one at university surely can be a good thing, right?

The only bad news is that it’s £80, not including bills. At first, I was distraught at this price (using a calculator I calculated I would be broke before the year ended and I’d be in ridiculous debt) but we’ve finally hatched a plan. It includes me getting two jobs during the Summer, so not only can I afford to pay for the house but I can also buy convenient little things (I don’t know what precisely, but I’m getting there). The Aber Squad are going to help me write a CV that would knock down a mountain if it was converted into destructive power.

The house definitely looks better on the inside. Although I am concerned at the fact that it’s the colour red- maybe it’s a metaphor for something?

Next up is National Novel Writing Month, where everyone involved must write a 50,000 word novel in the space of a month. I finished this in 23 days, and that was after restarting a 8,500 word mini-novel after things got too complicated. The novel, called The Single Piece, details the life of Eric Sullivan as he lives in a dystopian society where relationships are forced, and anyone who dissents is executed. I felt I could write to something like this, as the pressures of singlehood have, at some point, affected me and other people I know. I’m not going to send it to anybody though, because I know it’s a shockingly bad piece of text. Here’s a small extract, though:

Eric passed such a sign after following the path surrounded by trees on either side. It had the outline of the penis, with a hearty green tick highlighted next to it. Simply staring at its strangeness, Eric began to feel uncomfortable and placed his hands within his pockets, trying to turn away from the three couples who were busy screaming on the grass.

However, as he turned around he bumped into another couple: a woman and a man, both taller than he, wearing little more than lingerie and several piercings that spread across the body.

“Oi, move out the way. We’re off for a shag,” said the male. He sounded drunk, which made sense as most of what was sold in stores nowadays was beer. It increased the promiscuity, claimed the government, and made it easier for people who were socially awkward to become more open and find someone to have a relationship with.

I will admit, I was pretty proud to be the first person out of all my friends to finish NaNoWriMo, because now I have this little certificate hanging on my room:

Another copy will eventually be laminated, and I’ll have even more reason to gloat over my literary achievements. It’s just a shame that I didn’t manage to type 50,000 words of Intensity down in a month- if I did then my novel would be complete and I could begin redrafting while shedding manly tears over how, after three years, Intensity has finally matured into something I can be proud of. Oh, there’s nothing like a good dream.

Society-wise at university, I’ve been kicking quite a bit of ass. My notion that the general public does not pay enough attention to dreaming was passed, and the following week I won my first debate (despite my rambling). I drank heartily that night, although right now I don’t want to catch myself thinking of alcohol, the froth made me feel rather ill on Sunday.

I also joined the ACOG (Aberystwyth Community of Gamers) and won a Mario Kart Wii tournament- I honestly thought I would have been fried during those intense four hours, but apparently getting three stars on every cup paid off for me. Apparently my name is now at the top of a leaderboard (I don’t know where that leaderboard is, I’ve searched for ages, trust me) so now I can rest knowing I can kick quite a lot of ass in a video game.

And then there’s all the stuff my friends have been doing: Eli and Tricia for example have begun to take a liking to bondage tape, with one arranging the tape to make a quote and the other sticking it around her phone and intending to make it fashionable. Here is some exquisite pieces of art (critics beware!)

I also recently went with my friends to see “The Blanks” (be jealous) and they were actually pretty solid. You should go see them when they come around your area- I would have posted a preview of their performance on here, but for some reason my phone’s videos are all in mp4 so I can’t upload them here due to security reasons. Instead, here are some pictures to prove that I’m not lying out of my teeth:

One last thing: on an early November evening (24 days to go in November, thus continuing the theme of 24) I looked up and saw a shooting star pass by the clear midnight sky. I know it’s a really miniature thing to bring up, but I was far too satisfied after noticing it that day. It was then when I realised November would be a… Special month *note: we are aware of the cheesiness of this line. A SWAT team has been dispatched to arrest Dean immediately*

I hope I don’t jinx the remaining few days of November by saying that this month has easily been one of the best of the year- there were a few obstacles along the way (like reading North and South and financial implications), but the good moments have been plentiful. I look forward to December, which should bring me to London, and eventually back home for a satisfying Christmas.

By the time you read this, I will have added more photos to the photo gallery, so be sure to take a look if you want to see some masterpieces!

To conclude, here is a picture of Grant stumbling about on a theme park wheel:

At the time of publishing this article, I am 18 years old. I have lived for 6753 days, or 162,073 hours. My internet forum, Nintendo Rocket, has 1,007 officially registered members and 183,414 posts, while smazzing.com has over 3,000 hits, 113 posts and 352 tages.

This month, I am currently competing in NaNoWriMo, where I have to write 50,000 words in the space of 30 days. I have so far written over 13,000 words, writing 10,000 of those words in the space of 12 hours.

The number 24 is a recurring number in my life: I was born on the 24th May, moved to university on the 24th September, and if you add the letters in my name together (D being fourth letter in the alphabet, E being fifth) you get 24. The house my friends found for me has the number 24, and at the time I saw a shooting star on Monday there were 24 days left in November. My failed house inspection was on the 24th, and the parody Dean page on Facebook has 24 fans. One of my best friends lives in flat number 24, and another of my friends lives in a flat number 46- if you times four by six you get 24. The meaning of life is 42, which when put backwards is 24. Perhaps the number of 24, to me, is the meaning of life?

Yes, I was a very bored soul when I wrote this. I’ll update soon with something less crazy.

I can fortunately say that both of these are true- I needed to desperately stockpile on tissues (people know I never ever go around without a tissue- it’s like going through a battlefield feeling like you’re wearing nothing at all) and if I didn’t I knew that eventually something awkward would come up and I would have to desperately run to the closest tissue-spawning point possible.

But yeah, onto other more interesting points. I saw Jimmy Carr last Friday with my good friends Grant and Eli, and it was rather amazing. Many, many comical jokes were told, although the best part by far was when Grant and I decided to each slip a small, contagious heckle. Grant basically labelled the legendary comedian as a “twat”, although he was informed that he must have been a first-time heckler with such a creatively articulated statement.

So I decide to eventually step in and inform him that I pissed in the water bottle he’s now drinking. He merely asks if I’ve been eating asparagus, and for the next five minutes afterwards Grant and I are thinking to ourselves “we are now men.” If I didn’t have a cold capable of tackling Hades, it would have been the perfect day. But nope, I sat there in Jimmy’s gig, occasionally whipping out the man-sized tissue. Ah well.

Besides from the six short stories, the long play, the 2,000 word assignment, the 1,200 word assignment and the 750 word assignment, I’m really looking forward to NaNoWriMo. Yes, it’s 50,000 words in less than a month, but it can be on anything. So I’ve decided that, instead of writing 50,000 words on a overly ambitious piece of fiction, I’ll be writing instead about the members of the squad of epic, the first 8,000 words focusing on the past, and the rest focusing on what I’ll be predicting in the future. I’ll be wonderfully sentimental and also very inspirational, I’m sure.

I guess it would make sense to begin with the things that have happened: I’ve started going to all sorts of social meetings, ranging from Sci-fi (where they showed Star Wars!) to debating (where they showed how I was a brilliant public speaker but a terrible debater) and English and Creative Writing (where they offered feedback on any piece of work(!)). It’s been wonderful, although at the same time extremely frightening. Especially when you’re put on a spotlight quicker than you can say “flammable” (it’s a tongue twister to me).

What I like about this is that the societies all blend with each other. Creative Writing encourages creativity, whereas debating encourages structure and sci-fi demands entertainment. It’s a wonderful triad, and also a sign that I think too much. Perhaps, if you’re a member of multiple societies, you should also give this room for thought- do they blend together? If not, then it just means you’re not some saddo who thinks too much about how well things go together (congratulations!)

And this is where I bring the innuendo-laden title “producing white stuff at hyperspeed” into light. Both the debating and ECWS both encourage me to produce mind-bogglingly effective stories/arguments at practically the speed of light. A fully pledged debate in 15 minutes, with enough depth and width to cover five minutes? Sure, just let me become a hermit for five years and put me in a cave so I can meditate and practice the art. An effective story in a single draft? Alright, just let me develop time control and convert my brain cells to tachyons and I’ll produce a good draft. This is going to be impossible xD

At least I have Jimmy Carr on Friday to look forward to as well as Ted’s band from Scrubs (convenient now that I’ve began embarking on a Scrubs marathon with Eli (see, I mentioned you after all!)) And also the Squad’s yearbook, the RPG, the other RPG, the creative writing competition, Intensity, the speech much later in the year, the assignments, the books I have to read, laundry, cooking, GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Ah, the wonders of university. At least SFS are showing Inception on Wednesday

The first week into primary school
I made my first real friend
His name was Dave and I knew he would
Be there until the end

The first week past a merry Christmas
My social life was doomed
My parents bought some Sega games
Where robot empires loomed

The first week after I kissed my love
Did not feel like a week
It felt like the months and years combined
Time roared towards love’s squeak

The first week after Mum passed away
My father cried and cried
And one week later Dad left me and
Committed suicide

The first week I contracted cancer
I felt lumos turn to nox
For life was walking towards the door
In hand its keys and locks

In life’s last week I realised something
You see wisdom’s high peaks
When you realise that life is more than
A simple row of weeks

So, I moved into Aberystwyth last weekend. Instead of taking the three hours and thirty minutes it was meant to take for me to travel to the middle of Wales and eventually to Aberystwyth, I spent around six hours blindly travelling North to the tip of North Wales, before taking a slight nose-dive towards the middle. Yes, I’m terrible with directions, and if it wasn’t for my phone’s geo-tagging sexiness I’d probably be £300 in debt from the copious amounts of petrol it took to drive along.

But enough of that- I arrived in Aberystwyth and was quickly greeted by all sorts of people. The first of which was a Welsh male named James who told me he’d do anything he got drunk enough… So now I have to sleep knowing that there’s a small chance I might wake up with more than fresher’s flu hitting my head (this hasn’t happened yet thankfully, but if it does I’m getting revenge I swear).

The rest of my flatmates are a nice lot- they weren’t a bunch of rugby-playing loud-chanters who would punch you in the face “for the banter”. They did go out a lot during fresher’s week though, and often got quite hammered on alcohol. I also got hammered on alcohol, but I’ll come to that later.

I spent quite a bit of fresher’s week with the Aber Squad who greeted me about 10 minutes after settling in. Jordan, the eccentric gay Irish woman-fearer, unwittingly helped me to develop the beginning of an Irish accent (which I was never able to do in college) whereas the other squad members merely sat happily and discussed all sorts of topics on stuff.

I didn’t knit and drink tea on fresher’s week. Far from it, actually. Well, not too far, but far enough that the statement would be considered invalid. The first night I went to the student union and danced to all sorts of strange party music, although buying drinks was a nightmare as the queues were scarily big. There I discovered three things:

1. Never bring your phone with you to clubbing
2. Never bring your jacket to clubbing
3. My bunk buddy is a sweaty, sweaty soul

It was very very fun, but I left early since I had only one hour of sleep the previous night and therefore needed to rest. I did stay there a while though, I didn’t enter and then leave twenty minutes after. That would have been breaking the rules.

The next topic of interest is discovering the arcades at the pier. It was beautiful, for it had everything I knew and loved dearly: Time Crisis 2, Razing Storm, and a Coronation Street gambling machine that I used to be addicted to in Blackpool. You can guess that I spent quite a bit of time there, wasting away my money trying to get a top score.

But afterwards I would go out and go to the pub that was behind the arcade. So not only did the arcade have the luxury of amazing games and addictive slot machines, but it also had a fully functional bar which sold alcohol and had thousands of pool tables available for hire. I never spent a full night in there, but it would be a good one-stop before heading out somewhere else.

In terms of how wasted I managed to get in fresher’s week, it was of two extremes: one night I’d be watching movies with friends, the next I’d send one of those friends to A&E after screaming “my penis is capable” in the toilets and calling a man noble for letting me buy drinks before him.

I went to concerts, peed on a castle and climbed up a hill in the dead of night. It was all wonderful, except for being mooned and also someone getting out his swollen balls out in the kitchen to ask if they were infected. That wasn’t so nice. Lectures start tomorrow, so hopefully none of that happens again (until next year’s fresher’s week, I suppose).

I’ve also seen quite a few of my Aber Squad mates bonding in an intimate fashion as well- relationships were formed on the first week, each one more surprising than the last. I swear when I saw the last couple form an Inception “bwong” played clearly in my head. I’m still in the single zone, but honestly, I’m about as bothered as a toilet roll would be if it was being replaced. Want to debate that? Well, I joined a debating society so you might find it harder than usual to win this argument after a few weeks.

I also joined a sci-fi and fantasy society which apparently had a really good turnout this year (kudos to the president and his associates for managing to accumulate so many new recruits). The first meeting is on Wednesday where I get to watch a new film made by Ghibli, who, you know, blow people’s minds out of the water. It shall be fun, I swear.

So yeah, university certainly has been interesting so far. I have plans for the rest of the year, and they’re not conventional ones such as finding a job or getting a first in one of my essays either. Keep an eye out for more details.

1. “Bunk beds are going to make you a virgin forever.”

I was unfortunate enough to be allocated a bunk bed in Aberystwyth, so this means that privacy is basically non-existent. For those of you going to university, or even those not, enjoy your freedom, for you’ll all be able to sleep happily and invite your romantic partners for a nice little popper while I’ll be paranoid about making too much noise at 10pm when the bunk partner is sleeping.

2. “But Dean, why the hell are you complaining about bunk beds? You’re going to have benefits!”

Yes, that’s true. Not only do I get to choose the person I bunk with, but I already have chosen. So, if all goes well, than the person I meet on the first day isn’t some jockey American transfer student whose hobbies include being an arse for “the banter” and bringing women to have sex with every single night. It’s a wonderful world.

3. “Don’t forget the money you’re always so stingey about!”

I also have the benefit of being able to afford accommodation- it’s insane. £33.50 a week, I basically get the equivalent of my EMA deducted plus £3.5. And yes, I’m receiving the maximum maintenance grant and loan so I should be safe in the financial zone for quite a while (unless my bunk mate leaves, causing accommodation fees to go up to those in a single room, which in my case it will be around £68 a week). It’s all good though, even if this happened in the first week of university I’ll still have around £500 spare at the end of it all.

4. “What’s your budget? My parents are upper class so I get £250 a day on food.”

My budget includes food, household supplies, going out, transport, insurance and also academic costs (because English Literature students love buying books). If you want to do a comparison/base your budget off mine, then go ahead

Meals are not catered: £30- £1110
Travel costs: £400
Housing stuffs £8 per week, £296
Studies would cost around £80
Laundry £4 a week = £148
Bus pass for Aber = £65
Student bars and clubs = £25 a week collectively so £925
And of course, sports membership package, so £40
Let’s say I pay £30 a month for the world’s sexiest phone- £360/£324

5. “But isn’t that a bit unrealistic? University students are renowned for partying hard and wasting all their money.”

£25 a week is definitely not enough to match the “hardcore partying” lifestyle of a uni student- I had originally raised it to £35 a week, but I deduced that because of the Aber squad I’ll be hanging out with pretty often, I probably won’t have many raving alcoholic parties that often since they’re more into playing epic games of Monopoly while Two Steps From Hell play in the background (which I certainly love). Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still have a fair amount of party-goers from my accommodation, but I just won’t be spending as much as university students do normally.

6. “But what about that phone you bought recently? Didn’t that cost more than a hundred fosters put together?”

Well, that’s different. I needed a new phone for university and my old phone just wouldn’t deliver. The old phone was designed to be used for occasional texting and organisation, this phone will be used to blow people’s minds.

7. “I bet it’s a shit phone. What phone is it?”

A Samsung Galaxy S2. Yes, it’s that phone. 

8. “Oh what the fuck? You’re spending our tax payer’s money on material items!”

Most of the phone’s cost will come off my maintenance grant, which is designed specifically to help make university life easier. And I think a phone helps much more (in the long term) than jewellery, a new television, or “buying rounds.” Yes, I bought an expensive phone, but I’m a gadget geek who won’t settle for anything less than the best.

9. “So, with this phone, how much money will you have at the end of university?”

With everything, including £35 a week out, I’ll have over £1,500 for any holidays, birthdays, concerts or other fun activities. And of course, I’ll have to conserve some money for next year too…

10. “What are you planning to do for next year? I heard Aberystwyth has a horrible private accommodation sector.”

It’s only horrible if you don’t look early, and the reason people don’t look too early is because they haven’t met the people they’d like to live with yet. Luckily, I have the advantage of knowing a few people already so looking around for accommodation shouldn’t be too bad at all. As long as I’m not bunking next year, I won’t mind the living conditions. I just hope my flat mates wouldn’t be as intrusive as these ones might be this year.

11. “You going to score any of the women while in Aberystwyth?”

I don’t know, time will tell. It’s not a top priority, but this is a very spontaneous subject that will most likely appear when I least suspect it. There are much more amazing things to look forward to in university anyway!

12. “Really? Like what? I banged 240 women while I was in uni and it made the course the best thing ever!”

Well, besides the obvious looking forward to meeting everyone, I’m looking forward to that day where I finally finish the final draft of the first Intensity book- I’ve been writing it for almost three years now, it has to be completed soon. And as you can imagine, I’ll be overly satisfied when that day comes along.

I’d also like to get some projects going, like maybe a script or a speech or something. I don’t know, either would help a CV pretty well and I’m sure there would be people who are willing to help.

13. “These projects will lead to nothing good. You might as well be like everyone else where you graduate, find a mundane job and start a family.”

I’d rather not. And besides, there’s a lot of potential for any personal projects within the next three years. I can easily spread the word around in the UK by talking to all my college friends and asking them all to tell their friends about a project, so the indirect advertising already has huge potential. And I’m practically in an area with a strong connection to BBC Wales- the opportunity wouldn’t be any more in my face if it was a magnet on a fridge.

14. “So, who are you going to keep in contact with? I’m sure there are people in your college you hate with a passion.”

Well, like everyone else, there are people in my college you wouldn’t see me talking to in a billion years, but of course there are some that I’ll make an effort to keep in contact with. Anyone else who goes to university will probably keep in touch with the people that are important to them using the same methods as myself (I’ll be using my contract and my Skype in order to keep in touch with everyone, and I’m sure I won’t go overboard as I’m a sensible man who checks out how much allowance he has left every two hours).

Family and friends are the only people I really need to keep in contact with really. You’ll be able to tell if you qualify for either of these in a split second.

15. “So, what friends are you hoping to make in university?”

I’ll most likely be bonding with four types of people:

The Aber squad, which I’ll probably keep in touch with for quite a while at the very very least. I won’t obviously talk to all 38 of the members on a regular basis but there are at least one or three I’ll keep in very close contact with. They all seem like cool people anyway so there’s no doubt that I’ll get along with them while at uni.

The people on my course- while there are members of the Aber squad doing the same course as me, there are other people who are doing the course that I’ve yet to meet. I don’t know who some of these people are, but I’ve met a few on Yougo and they all seem like nice people. I don’t know if I’ll hang out with them or not though- the chances are lower but obviously there.

The people in my halls- I’m half-expecting to stumble upon 6-7 party-goers when I arrive in Aberystwyth, so I presume I’ll get to know these people through a pint or five. These will be the people that hear about my propositions for speeches and other projects, so they better get ready for a year of Dean-ness.

And of course, the people in my societies. I’m planning to join perhaps 2-3 societies while in Aberystwyth, including the sci-fi society and the creative writing society. The latter obviously won’t introduce me to too many new people, but it will at least allow me to strengthen the bond I have with those doing the same course as myself. And of course, there is the offset chance I might end up promoting Intensity somehow. I don’t know, I haven’t planned that far ahead… Or have I? Yes, I have.

16. “You look like you’re going to land yourself a busy schedule- how are you going to keep up?”

I don’t know, but it’ll mean that I never have ten minutes to spend idly staring into space. Like everyone else going to university, my life will be filled with lectures, society meetings, assignments, household chores, dinner, and the occasional spare hour or three to talk to people at home/other universities or to write some more of Intensity. It’s good to have your time allocated, as you don’t have too much time to think too much (a very, very good thing indeed).

17. “What are you going to do once you graduate? What if you’re on the dole?”

It’s a very distant question, but I intend to gear myself up for a Creative Writing masters degree in another university once I graduate- and while I wait I’ll probably use the reserves of the money I collected over three years to survive. I’ll manage, I’m sure (unless the economy screws up).

18. “Creative Writing is a mickey mouse subject and won’t land you a job.”

Which is why at the minute I’m studying English Literature with Creative Writing- you know, English Literature, a broad subject that will inevitably open up many doors (not just teaching, there’s more to it than just teaching) and might end up with me landing up in a writing job for some company. Maybe I’ll write scripts for a science fiction show- who knows, I haven’t thought too much about it.

19. “And what about this blog?”

I’ll use Smazzing.com as a means to keep all my college friends and others updated on what’s happening with my life. Because, you know, writing two lines of text on Facebook doesn’t really give people an insight into what’s happening at the moment. I’m sure WordPress will remain a solid host for this blog in the coming years, and I should have the funds necessary to extend the domain’s duration.

20. “So, is it true that everyone in the Aber squad except you will be in university on the 23rd?”

Yes, it’s true, I’ll practically be the only person out of all those people who will be at home while they party hard. Becuase it’s their first day as a full squad, they’ll most likely hold a raging party to celebrate their arrival. However, while they do this I’ll most likely be packing or watching a DVD to pass the time. It’ll be a wonderful wait, I’m sure of it.

21. “What if everyone gets too used to each other in a day?”

I doubt it, judging by the amount of Skype calls that have gone on until around 5am I doubt I’ll be left out. And besides, some of the squad members will inevitably be tempted by the people they meet in their accommodation, and everyone knows that the bigger a group, the more unstable it becomes. So no worries, I won’t be singled out or anything.

22. “When are you going to arrive back in Lytham?”

I’ll definitely try my best to arrive there by Christmas. Visiting people is something that was added on my to do list before I even made a to do list. Around December everyone is planning a huge gathering, I don’t know where but I presume it’ll give me a small chance to arrive back in my hometown.

And there we have it, I hope I at least entertained you for long enough. Now, I’m off to have a gander at the new phone- new phones are addictive D: